In the same way that our partners can “push our buttons” in a negative way, they can push them in a positive way too.
Dr. Jonathon Ross calls the latter “charming our hearts.” Essentially this means “casting a spell of enchantment” and making us feel in love again.
Remember first falling for your partner? Love is inspired so easily at first. We ride the waves of love and express our feelings in so many different ways, without even thinking about it.
But this ease of expression wanes over time. The mundane aspects of life hit, people get busy, and problems arise.
The good news is that it really isn’t that hard to bring back the love at will. We can consciously create magical moments of love instantly, no matter how much time we (don’t) have.
But we need to be conscious about it, because what makes us feel loved might not make our partner feel loved at all.
In the book, The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman asserts that it’s crucial to find out the “language of love” to which your partner best responds: 1. Words of affirmation, 2. Quality time 3. Receiving gifts, 4. Acts of service, and 5. Physical touch.
One person may need touch in order to feel loved, so they touch their partner a lot. But that partner may need acts of service to feel loved!
So when the magic of early love fades, it’s important to learn the ways to automatically engender feelings of love (and being loved). Because think about it: If our partners feels fully loved by us, they’ll reciprocate! It becomes an upward spiral of good vibes. How amazing is that?
How to Express Love
Drawing in part from Dr. Jonathan Ross’s couple’s exercises, here are some super easy steps to learning how to express love in a way that truly reaches your partner.
1) Find out what makes your partner feel truly loved. Ask your partner to get comfy and close their eyes. They should even take a deep breath or two. Then ask them to think of a time they felt really loved.
- Guide them with questions. You can ask: “Where were we, what were we doing, and what happened that let you know that I love you?”
- Push for more details. When they answer, see if you can get even more specific: “What was the most important thing in letting you know that I really loved you. Was it something that I said, the way I looked at you, the way I touched you, something else?”
- Ask about the times they felt unloved. What was missing? What would have made it better? The answer will certainly be another clue about what your partner needs to feel loved.
2) Notice a pattern. Do the things that make your partner feel loved tend to be around receiving gifts, or words of affirmation? If you see a common theme, it is much easier to be creative and express yourself within that theme.
3) Do those things that make your partner feel love! Seriously. Just find a way to put it on your calendar if that’s what it takes.
4) Remember the shared love account. Your relationship is a joint account subject to emotional deposits and withdrawals. The higher the balance, the healthier and more resilient the relationship. Each time you communicate love in your partner’s language, you are making deposits you will certainly benefit from later.
This is one of the easiest and funnest ways to infuse your relationship with love and fill up the shared love account. Just make a commitment to take action.
Don’t worry if it doesn’t feel spontaneous. This doesn’t make it any less romantic.
Your efforts will now PAY OFF because you are channeling them in the way your partner GETS.
Have fun and keep me posted!
